A Slow, Satisfying Crawl

Almost to the week's end and proud of my current progress.  I have kept to the 1200-1400 calorie range and while I didn't get long walks in, I was able to cycle on the recumbent longer to make up for it (rainy weather).  I'm actually going to wait until the end of next week to weigh-in since I did make big adjustments and I seem to work harder without the numbers affecting me.  The higher protein intake has absolutely kept me from feeling hungry and I am in love with avocados and Cedarlane's Eggplant Parmesan.  Why has no one told me how good eggplant Parmesan is before?  It's ten times better than lasagna in the taste department and without the carbs!

Breakfast this week was either eggs with tuna or avocado or mini wheat cereal or a granola bar.  I didn't eat big breakfasts right away if I went back to bed after taking my nephews to school.  I would save it for lunch if I knew I'd be going back to sleep.  I cycled for an hour most afternoons, which was tiring, but much easier on my feet and back.  My legs really got a workout though!  Best part is my pain levels haven't been terrible this week.  Less ibuprofen and better quality sleep too.

I have hopes this will be my niche in this transition.  I hope to lose that 20 lbs in the next couple months and hit my next milestone.  50 lbs to the middle range of my target weight, still projected for October or November, depending on if this is sustainable.  We shall see.  Either way, I'm not giving up on a healthier me.  Health is everything!

Skinny jeans are a really great bonus though...

Facing Failure

Sometimes I go to the scale, really psyched for results and I'll have gained a pound or not lost at all.  I'm doing low impact exercise, of course, so I'm not expecting more than two pounds on the best week.  It's entirely impossible that even as I strengthen, I might never be able to handle high impact.  It doesn't sound like a healthy way to go anyway.  You hear so much about people tearing tendons and joints over time trying to go high impact over prolonged stretches of time.  Honestly, I just don't care about getting ripped-- I'd be happy to keep soft curves and nestled in my target weight range.  

I say that but I'm not entirely sure what that range is most of the time.  I believe that it is between 130 -160 pounds for someone with a large frame at my height.  Target ranges are generous, but I think we all tend to think women are aiming for something closer to 100 pounds.  For me, 100 pounds was only realistic when I was 5'2" and 13 years old.  I'm aiming to sit right around 150 lbs but going as low as 140 wouldn't hurt.  I don't want to be so obsessive about this journey that I risk being underweight either.  I had been 135 once, but I had also been in a labor intensive job then and not inhibited by chronic pain.  That isn't realistic for now either.

Easy for me to get sidetracked, but I've started out this week great.  

Monday: just under 1400 calories

               1 hour brisk walk

               30 min recumbent bike - moderate speed

Tuesday: still calculating, but 400 at breakfast

               30 min brisk walk

               30 mins recumbent bike - moderate speed

               Cleaning fish tank

Cleaning the fish tank generally takes 30 mins to an hour and while I can drain it out of my window, sometimes I just carry down 3-4 5 gallon buckets and carry up 2 2-gal buckets at a time to replace the water.  Today I carried 10 2 gallon buckets up the stairs, taking about 25 minutes to drain, carry, treat water and clean up.  It's strenuous work and definitely takes cares of strength workouts.  I absolutely POUR sweat when I do this, even if it's freezing indoors.  I generally only do this every 3-4 weeks and sometimes it involves bleaching the plants.  I change the filter a week or so after a water change and basically once a month.  That isn't strenuous at all, but I do hand wash all the pieces and it takes a few trips up and down the stairs.  Caring for fish definitely isn't a leisurely task.

I could write a blog entirely on them, but I'll stick to the topic.  :). That was mostly for reference in terms of actual physical demands.

Anyways, the goal for this week is to keep protein intake around 80-100 grams (it's really difficult to go higher than this while still minding calories or not taking some sort of protein boosting supplement), keep calories around 1200-1400 daily (but NOT going under and trying not to go higher than 1600), and getting in at least six hours of walking, 3 hours of cycling and one day of yoga or tai chi on the weekend.  We'll see how that goes.  I know calorie counting sound like a nightmare to most people but I use an app that just scan bar codes or you can type in details, like the size of the fruit or serving and it does all the guesswork.  It's called Lose It and it has helped me do what I needed to lose 15 pounds so far.  I don't count calories so much as record the foods I eat and I can make adjustments based on the data.  Pretty spiffy.

But that brings me to where I am today.  I might record my progress and thoughts daily or keep it to a weekly summary.  I started this blog as another way to stay accountable and I'll use it how it benefits me most.   I hope to reach my goals by year's end-- sooner will be nice but I'm prepared to go as long as need and not get discouraged.  It's a lifestyle change after all, not a passing fad.

There is no magic formula...

I knew getting into this that the same thing you did before doesn't always work.  Those diets or routines that other people swear by don't always work.

That being said, this week has been transitional.  I've clocked six hours of walking between Monday and Friday-- one hour each morning but two on Friday.  I might have eaten more calories but I've also eaten more protein, healthy fats and less carbs.  My sodium intake has been stellar-- closer to 2400 mg daily.  Still, I lost no weight this week.  I actually take comfort in the fact that muscle gain was involved here-- the walks have gotten easier, the pain a little less.  I know when this budding muscle gain peaks, pounds will start to melt so I forgive the hiccup this week.  I don't know what I was thinking obsessing on calories since it never does me any good in the long term.  I like those diets that say eat what you want but use the calories.  THAT I can do!

I'm not quite ready for the elliptical but I use the recumbent.  Despite the promise that the elliptical is even more low impact than walking, I don't find the odd swinging glide easy to deal with and it's so much more boring than just walking around the neighborhood.  My very hilly, very challenging walk of a neighborhood.  There so much about this process that I try my best to build authenticity with.  I don't want to feel like I'm hooked up to machines, popping pills, and drinking nutrients through a straw just to rush towards a healthy or attractive result.  Even when I get there, it's so important that this is attractive enough a lifestyle to maintain.  Quite simply, I never want to go through the square one phases again.  If I'm gonna work, it better stick, because roller coaster weight loss/gain is worse than just being stuck on fat.

I hope I have better news for the weight loss next week, but for now, I am not at all discouraged.  It's too early and I'm working too hard for this to be a plateau where I'm not pushing hard enough.  Some changes may need to be made but for now I enjoy feeling full and energetic and purposeful.

In the Beginning

I'm aware that a lot of people like to use social media to track their weight loss progress-- to post before and after pictures, to get feedback, to feel good about themselves, but when I started this journey back at the end of January, the last thing I wanted to do was involve my friend's list.  I had lost a bunch of weight prior to a retail gig and gained damn near all of it back over the 20 months I worked there.  I wasn't really feeling like celebrating.

To establish a baseline here, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was 27 and that comes with a whole host of annoying side conditions, like IBS and indigestion, lethargy and so on.  When I had a nervous breakdown due to traumatic events, I was treated for mood imbalances, which made me a virtual zombie.  I had never been overweight a day in my life and within a few months I had gained 80 pounds.  I weaned off of meds and found ways to cope that didn't involve numbing and eating, however, for years I just kept all this weight on, resigned to it.  No one hated being fat more than I just for the way it made my chronic pain worse and made me loathe looking in the mirror at this stranger.  When I first decided it was time to change, I was 230 lbs.

Funny how that started too because I sprained an ankle stepping off a curb.  I knew my weight had caused a normal klutzy mistake to become a bad injury and after letting it heal, I started taking walks.  Short at first because it hurt my lower back and I became sore quickly.  I'll fast forward a bit here by saying I used healthier food choice, a stationary bike and walking to get down to a healthier 180.

I was close to finishing college when I got tired of being broke and took up a little retail job to make some money.  At first, I thought it might help me get more meaningful exercise, but ultimately I ended up standing behind a register most of the time.  I developed pain on my heels and calves even with really amazing shoes and compression socks on.  After working there 20 months, I ended back up to 215 lbs and unhappy again.

I didn't jump back into weight loss right away.  I was wrestling with how to kill a plantar wart (nail polish, ftw! I tried everything and that was the magical solution) and wrestling with how I was going to be able to tolerate exercise again.  I was busy trying to see if a crafting business venture might work to keep me distracted while I healed.  It took over half a year to realize that I sustained some permanent damage that wasn't just going to go away.  By the end of January 2016, I was determined to get started.

I started with an app called Lose It, a calorie counter exercise tracking guide you can personalize.  It made the nightmare of calorie counting so much easier.  However after getting back down to 15 pounds (and a nasty cold biting into the goals for three weeks), I started feeling discouraged by how hungry I was and the numbers weren't helping.  This is where I currently am.

This journey isn't about the perfect diet.  I've decided this week that I'm overhauling a lot of things about how I started and I'm going to shift back into the way I first lost weight.  I'm sure calorie counting does wonders for people but it often left me unfulfilled and paranoid.  I still plan to use the app to record food and exercise because I need the accountability.  I've started this week with a stamina building exercise regimen.  I had bought a $400 hybrid trainer (elliptical/recumbent bike combo) that will be getting more use.  I walk for an hour after I drop my nephews off at school.  i eat a protein boosting breakfast of two fried eggs and a can of tuna (usually flavored with garlic).  I use the recumbent bike for at least a half hour at a moderate pace.  I can't yet endure more direct weight on my feet but I'm hoping I can get back to the 180 lbs and tolerate more of my own body weight to use the elliptical again.  I'll do this Monday through Thirsday to start and on Friday I will push with two hours of walking and try for an hour of cycling.  Saturday will be a rest day, for maybe a cheat meal and no strenuous workouts.  Then on Sunday, I will try yoga and tai chi videos.  I hear tai chi does wonders for fibromyalgia and I hope it does.

I don't plan on posting progress pictures or any of that nonsense.  I'm not starting this blog for bragging rights but as another way to stay accountable to the process.  I might jazz it up later with graphics or links to make this more of a guide for discouraged sufferers of chronic pain to maybe find some options.  The most important thing is, I'm not doing this fast and I'm listening to my body.  I had become resigned that I would never be able to change.  I will never be able to do high impact; this was a fact from when I was my healthiest weight of 150.  It doesn't matter that I won't be ripped. I want my old shape back.  I have broad shoulders and hips that will never be less than a size 5/6 but I love those curves.  This isn't about hating or loving myself solely based on how I look.  We'd all like to feel confident in how we look, but what defines us more is how we feel-- emotionally, mentally, physically.  

I hope this blog helps me to my goal and maybe encourage others.  My goal was to get there by October but I don't plan on quitting even if it takes me into 2017 to get there.  The point is, I ditched the excuses and I'm trying-- without fad diets or restrictions, just listening to my body and making changes.  When I get there, I might post that final milestone but I refuse to get so proud of myself that I rest on my laurels.  I will be accountable every step of the way.

Even after a few months, I struggle with calorie intake and my physical health issues.  This doesn't go  away and it doesn't get easier.  I believe a lot of people are frantic for fast results because we all fear those days where we lose our resolve for good or we feel like we've wasted our efforts.  I only have one point of advice there: don't.  There is no such thing as wasted progress because if we are journaling and exercising and learning, we are always making steps towards efficiency.  You don't just slap a coat of paint on a misused car and expect it to work.  Once we learn how to use our bodies best, they run how we treat them.  In my case and many others, there are days when we feel terrific and days where we feel like sludge, outside of any logic.  Those are days we have to push harder-- take advantage of those great days with more effort so that when the bad days come, we can forgive ourselves that small break we need to recover.

Whether you're looking for an old shape, a new shape, or love the one you have, be mindful of the journeys everyone takes to feel better.